Showing posts with label fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fun. Show all posts

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Birds of a Feather Writers Retreat 2013


Want to know how to have the perfect writing-themed vacation? Here's a recipe.

First, the basic ingredients:
- Four writers
- Five days
- A "remote" location by a lakeside (f.e. Lago Maggiore in Baveno, Italy)
- Hotel reservations at the aforementioned location

For some extra zest:
- An "Opium Den" / "Harem Room" at the hotel
- Red Wine (how much is up to the individual, but the more copious the amount, the more you'll not want to tell...)
- Incredible pizza, pasta, tiramisu etc.
- "Hair trains" for the hair-sluts
- A Skype session with the "Lost Bird"
- A vow - signed in blood - that what happens at the writers retreat, stays at the writers retreat. Whoops, too late. (Well, we didn't sign in blood, so...)

Optional:
- Indiviual writing project targets

Obligatory:
- Low expectations on reaching said targets



Here's what happens:



Sightseeing

Sillyness

Boat Rides

Pensive Moments

Artsy Moments

Cheese

Hanging and Writing at Rock Pubs - Cheers!

Quiet Moments

Lots more Sillyness
Skyping with our Lost Bird(s)

Serious Conversations
Serious Emptying Glasses of Red Stuff
(c) Photo by Writerlinz ;-)
Always looking for the perfect shot
(c) Photo by Writerlinz



Oh yeah, and writing! Yes, we did get some writing done! :-D


In Cafes...
(c) Photo by Writerlinz

...and the Lobby
(c) Photo by Writerlinz




Monday, December 24, 2012

Happy Holidays!

Some funnies to induce the proper holiday feeling.

Cheers!

You naughty, naughty girl...


Wouldn't say no to that, either...


Been there, done that.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Post Nr. 100, Publishing News and Fun

Virtual bubbly all around! I just realized this is the 100th post on my blog since the first in September. Kinda cool. Time flies. So, apparently, do my fingers over the keyboard.



The New York Times published an article about a survey that shows publishing is changing though alive and well, contrary to current beliefs.
Very uplifting.

Also, here's a hilarious and to the point tid-bit of fun: Try Not to Sound Like a Writer, pilfered from Rachelle Gardner's blog.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Preparing For The Frankfurt Book Fair

The Frankfurt Book Fair in October is approaching, only a two hour drive away from where I live. You can so bet your ass I'm going.

I've never been to a book fair, not even the one in Stuttgart, where I live. It just never worked out. Plus, I never thought so many agents/agencies from English speaking countries would attend.

After going through the program of the Frankfurt Book Fair, I realized that this is actually a golden opportunity. I mean, when else will I get another chance to pitch my novel and communicate with American agents other than via the good old query?

Never, unless I win the lottery.

So now's the time to dive into the details of the "elevator pitch". That's the right term, I think. Many agents have already put in their two cents as to what a good elevator pitch is, and I did always skim over them, never assuming I might need these particular grains of wisdom in the near future.
Good think I realized this now, not two days before the fair. That might have ended in a mess. By 'that' I mean both my pitch and me by extension.

Therefore, my guess is that my next few posts will be elevator-pitch related. Maybe I'll even post what I come up with in the end here on the blog.

Maybe.

Either way, I'm looking forward to October. My first ever book fair. Squeeee!



Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Hilarious Amazon Customer Reviews

I've never posted a review on Amazon, but I'm always surprised at how well they all seem to be written and not at all spoilery. Or at least, where there are spoilers, they are clearly stated as being present beforehand. Also, I've never heard of the reviewers dissing each other or starting flame wars. I figure there are guidelines you're supposed to follow when posting a review, and people abide by them. I can't imagine somebody at Amazon screening all the reviews before they are published - you'd need a whole planet of somebodys for that.

I guess that's how reviews like these are even possible. I especially liked number four.

Enjoy.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Flash Fiction: Lunar Enchantress

Another piece for a Flash Fiction Challenge from Sonia Medeiros, this one themed "Moonstruck". 

I had a (very) different ending in mind at first - I'm not usually this moony, har-dee-har - but the puck apparently had a different idea about his motives than I did. Very headstrong folk, them pucks. Scoundrels first...




Lunar Enchantress
by Pia Newman
(499 words)

The sky had been clouded during the past three full moons, so I hadn’t been able to collect any moonbeams. By now I was running perilously low - and the puck knew it. He would try to stop me from harvesting tonight. If he succeeded, my shields would run out before the next full moon and he could simply waltz into my den and steal my precious fairy dust. He’d been trying to do so for years, though he had yet to best me with his trickery.
Tonight’s moonlight electrified me. I couldn’t help but dance and float and twirl across the canopy of trees, despite the pending puck-peril. Moonbeams caught in my wings and hair, lighting me up like a silver flame.
“Hello Enchanté,” the puck greeted me, climbing from the highest branch onto the canopy’s ethereal landscape. He couldn’t fly, but he was agile and attractive nonetheless.
“Hello Rob,” I said, dancing past him, feigning indifference to his presence.
He watched me, eyes sparkling like the stars. “I see you’re busy collecting your moonbeams.”
Indeed, my wings were almost full with the first batch.
I twirled closer, almost touching. “What’s your trick this time?” I asked, brushing a finger along his jaw, teasing. Now his eyes sparkled with my reflection.
He held out a hand. “Dance with me.”
I spun away, laughing. “Seduction won’t work. You’re handsome, but no match for Luna tonight.”
“I’m no match for you,” he corrected. “You have conquered me.”
“How so, oh Mighty Trickster?”
“I have no more tricks,” he said. “You’ve seen through every one and thwarted me. Now I must try something I have no experience with: honesty.”
Intrigued, I stopped dancing. This ought to be good.

She didn’t believe me. I could read the incredulous ridicule in her beautiful eyes. If she knew my true motivation - making her mine - she’d laugh in my face. Who would ever trust a puck? Especially in love. Pucks fell in lust, not love. Except this one.
I pulled five strips of silk out of my pocket. Moonbeams clung to them, so thick they basically dripped off the fabric. “This is a night’s worth of harvest,” I said. “I shall give it to you in exchange for enough fairy dust to last me one dance with you.”
“You tried to steal my fairy dust so you could dance with me?” she asked. Truly, it sounded silly when put that way. But what can I say? I’m a scoundrel first, a rational being second.
“I have something to tell you,” I explained, “but you’ll never believe my words. You might believe in my honesty if we danced. But a puck dancing with a fairy is like pairing a butterfly with a dung beetle. I would only weigh you down. To truly dance with you, I need to be able to fly.”
“Why would dancing with you convince me of your honesty?”
“You’ll feel the truth in my touch.”

He was right.
I did.


Friday, June 17, 2011

Flash Fiction - Friends of Stone and Clay

Sonia Medeiros has a writing challenge themed Creature Feature up on her blog. 

Thanks, Sonia, this was fun!


Friends of Stone and Clay
by Pia Newman 
(498 words)

  I wasn’t very old, as far as gargoyles went. Only about three centuries. My church was the newest and smallest in town, and I guarded it alone. The other churches were older, bigger, and sported a formidable gargoyle on every pillar and turret. I was the runt of the gargoyle community and they never let me forget.
  Perching on my favorite stone outcropping above the door, I contemplated the last round of mockery that involved my ears being pulled and my tail being stepped on. Loneliness and self-pity were a heavy stone in my chest.
  “You look sad,” a little voice reached my pointy ears.
  I opened my eyes and found myself looking down at a little boy who was staring up at me. Children sometimes realize gargoyles aren’t just immobile stone statues. The Gargoyle Codex forbids us to reply, but right now the codex and the senile gargs who upheld it could kiss my craggy arse.
  “I am sad,” I confirmed.
  “Why?” he wanted to know.
  “Because I’m lonely.”
  “Grumpy’s lonely, too, since Happy got dead by my ball,” the boy said sheepishly. “I kicked it wrong.”
  “Accidents happen,” I said, wanting to comfort him. Losing a pet could be traumatic for children. I knew because they came to church to prey for their little friends’ souls often enough.
  “Is it nice up there?” the boy asked, nose crinkled in contemplation.
  “Very nice. Amazing view.”
  “How do you get up there?”
  “I’m a great climber.”
  “Can you climb down now?”
  “I’d rather not. There are too many adults around who might see.”
  The boy nodded as if this explanation made perfect sense. “So you come down at night?”
  “Sometimes. What’s your name?” I asked.
  “Benny,” he said. “What’s yours?”
  “Gothar.”
  “Cool.”
  I liked this kid. Too bad his mother came at just that moment and pulled him away. He waved at me until they rounded the corner and were gone. I hoped he would come by again some day.

  He came sooner than expected. That same evening, in fact.
  “Gothar? Can you climb down now?”
  It was twilight, the streets deserted, so I scrambled down the wall beside the door.
  “A gargoyle?” came a muffled remark out of Benny’s jacket. “Seriously? How’s living up in the bell tower with a moving rock going to make me feel better?”
  Benny ignored the tirade and looked at me. “You want a friend? Grumpy does. She’s just shy.”
  She?
  “I’m not shy you little nincompoop. Let me out.”
  Benny giggled, the perfect little puppet-master. I nodded, wanting to see her. Even a grump was better than no friend at all.
  Benny opened his jacket. Large blue eyes blinked at me from beneath a pointy hat that was as red as the pouty lips and ruddy cheeks. A shiny varnish covered the entire creature.
  I sat back on my haunches, flabbergasted. My potential friend wasn’t a hamster or guinea pig or even a mammal at all.
  She was a garden gnome.


Monday, June 6, 2011

My Favorite Read Of The Year (So Far)


I don’t usually post reviews here, but I feel obligated to slap every fellow (urban) fantasy nerd in the head with Hounded, yelling YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!!!

Amazon

Not only is the cover over-the-top-of-Mount-Everest awesome, but what’s inside is so much unexpected fun that I read it in one complete sitting and almost cried with joy when I figured out that the next two instalments are coming out tomorrow (“Hexed” June 7 - that's TOMORROW!!! YAY!!!) and in a month (“Hammered” July 5), meaning I wouldn’t have to wait for years for them.


Here’s Amazon’s blurb:

Atticus O’Sullivan, last of the Druids, lives peacefully in Arizona, running an occult bookshop and shape-shifting in his spare time to hunt with his Irish wolfhound Oberon (whose love for Genghis Khan, Star Wars, French Poodles, sausages and Atticus himself provides the best comic relief I’ve read in a long time). His neighbors and customers think that this handsome, tattooed Irish dude is about twenty-one years old—when in actuality, he’s twenty-one centuries old. Not to mention: He draws his power from the earth, possesses a sharp wit, and wields an even sharper magical sword known as Fragarach, the Answerer.

Unfortunately, a very angry Celtic god wants that sword, and he’s hounded Atticus for centuries. Now the determined deity has tracked him down, and Atticus will need all his power—plus the help of a seductive goddess of death, his vampire and werewolf team of attorneys, a sexy bartender possessed by a Hindu witch, and some good old-fashioned luck of the Irish—to kick some Celtic arse and deliver himself from evil.


Action, humor, excitement, myth and especially the unlimited world building (every mythological, folkloric and religious faction from Native American over Irish, Norse, Eastern European to Indian is alive and kicking) make this a fresh new romp through the urban-fantasy-realms.

The only thing you shouldn’t expect is lovey-dovey romance - though that doesn’t mean Atticus lives a life of celibacy when not even certain female deities can keep their hands off this studly ‘young’ Druid…

Kudos to Kevin Hearne for this amazing debut!


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

No Boundaries

Oh. My. God. This is beautiful. 

Impressive, exhilarating and impressively exhilarating to any passionately creative person. 



Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Flash Fiction Contest - The Orginial Sin

Another flash fiction entry of mine, this time for Suzie Townsend's The Original Sin Contest.

100 words, including Personal, Demons, Hellbent, Original and Sin. Bonus Points if you used the phrase "A Devil's Own".

Go.

“’Don’t take it personally’? How original! What happened to ‘let’s stay friends’?”

Hank shrugged. “I simply don’t feel a connection.”

“You’re a heartless… devil,” I spat, hellbent on making him feel bad - was that a sin in the face of such blatant contempt?

“Soulless, not heartless, when you speak of devils,” Hank, self-proclaimed expert on devils and demons, taunted. “Besides, I wouldn’t make deals with Satan for 
chicks.”

“But for other things. Remember?” I dropped my wounded wallflower façade. Oh, how I loved to play with the players. “Pay day!” His soul was mine. This devil’s own.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Double Spaz - Flash Fiction Challenge

Here’s my entry to another flash fiction challenge, this time from Haley Whitehall’s blog. She gave us 500 words to write a flash fiction piece beginning with the sentence “She had been warned, but now it was too late.” I made it at 497 words.


Double Spaz
by Pia Newman

She had been warned, but now it was too late. As per the forecast it was pouring with rain and she’d forgotten her umbrella at home.

Any other day, it wouldn’t have mattered. Bree was no drama queen who shrieked in consternation at a drop of rain or even a downpour like this. But her best friend could be. And if Bree showed up at Bella’s wedding with a flattened hairdo and soaked bridesmaid’s dress, she’d throw a hissy fit, Lindsey Lohan-style. She was probably up in arms about the fact that God deigned to let it rain on her wedding day anyway.

To top it all off, Bree was late and had only found a space in the back of the parking lot, far away from the church. By the time she reached the entrance, her underwear would be squishing between her butt cheeks and everyone would see she wasn’t wearing a bra.

Everyone, including Micah.

Not that he’d be surprised. Her showing up to the wedding soaking wet would just add to his experience that Bree couldn’t do anything without looking or acting at least slightly ridiculous. It was almost like fate was playing with her, frequently dangling this hunky chunk of man before her nose, while at the same time pulling the rug from under her feet so that she spilled her drink on him, or met him with a left-over curler in her hair or wearing her T-shirt inside out.

Taken singly, these occurrences weren’t as bad as all that, but they added up if they happened every time they met. And she’d really hoped she’d wow him today, not just make him laugh.

She turned around and rummaged through the mess on the back seat, looking for something, anything, that might hold off the rain. She unearthed an old newspaper with coffee stains on the front page.

“Bingo!”

She opened the car door, holding the newspaper above her head. The rain splattered down on it like hail and she knew it wouldn’t hold out until she reached the church.

Suddenly, the light around her turned slightly green and the drops stopped pelting down on her.

“Interesting hat,” a voice said behind her. She spun around. Micah stood there, holding a large green umbrella over them both.

Where was quicksand when you needed it? She stuck out her chin. “It’s part of my evil plan to make the world a sillier place.”

“A noble goal. And who better to achieve it than you? I’ll be your partner in crime if you agree to dance with me later on.” There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes as he took her hand and laid it in the crook of his umbrella-arm.

“How will dancing with you further my evil intentions?” she asked, twinkling right back.

“I’m the biggest spaz you’ll ever see on the dance floor. The world will be saved.”

His smile warmed her to the toes. Her world was definitely saved.  


Monday, April 11, 2011

Terribleminds Flash Fiction Challenge

Chuck Wendig posted a flash fiction challenge on his blog, Terribleminds. The challenge was to write a 500-word-max story named after a cocktail.

Here’s my attempt at exactly 500 words.



Swimming Pool
by Pia Newman

As soon as we stepped onto the patio and saw the swimming pool spread before us, I knew this was the perfect location. The house was like all the others; a sprawling edifice of concrete and glass on the top of a hill, displaying the obligatory view over the city. But the house wasn’t the criteria for which I’d been rejecting one property after the other these past few weeks. It was the swimming pool and its location that interested me.

The trees and bushes surrounding this garden, terrace and pool provided a pocket of intimacy in the middle of the city. Nobody could peek in, neither from the sides nor from a house on the slope above. Perfect.

“This one,” I said to both my husband and the estate agent. The latter’s eyes immediately brightened, whereas Bjorn’s sparked with annoyance.

“How’s this house different from the previous ten thousand we’ve looked at?” he demanded to know.

“It has the most… possibilities,” I murmured.

“What? Speak up, for God’s sake.”

I knew better than to actually do that, especially because Bjorn had already turned to the estate agent and was talking to him. The estate agent answered his questions, completely ignoring me. He’d quickly learned that Bjorn didn’t take him seriously if he tried including me in the discussions about prices, garage space, sauna sizes and tennis courts.

I tried to listen to them, but my gaze and thoughts kept flitting back to the pool. I felt a long forgotten tension inside me and hoped Bjorn wouldn’t find a reason not to take this property. The prospect of having to openly defy my husband was making me wring the handle of my handbag between my hands.  

“Well, that rules this one out,” I heard Bjorn say. “I want a Jacuzzi with a view, not some dank hole in the cellar. Sorry, Grace.” I could tell by his voice he wasn’t sorry at all. He’d come up with this threadbare excuse just to spite me.

My heart stomped through my chest like a giant with steel-capped boots as I squashed the urge to accept his decision in demure silence. I took a deep breath.

“We’ll take it,” I told the estate agent.

“Shut up, Grace” Bjorn said, “you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know a lot more than you think,” I said calmly. “About Rita, for example.”

For the first time in over fifteen years of marriage, I saw Bjorn speechless. Here was my chance to speak and I grabbed it.

“I don’t care, you know. I don’t even care anymore that you won’t get a divorce because of your precious image. I want this house. You do this one thing for me, and I’ll try my best to help you make sure nobody ever forgets you.”

I’d make sure alright. A former world champion swimmer mysteriously drowning in his own swimming pool? He would go down in history. And, for once, we’d both have exactly what we wanted.



Please tell me: Was this too predictable? I'm never sure I don't give too much away in the beginning...


Monday, April 4, 2011

Flowchart, Reviews And TBRs

Here's a fun (and oh-so-true) chart by Kate Hart on how to get published. 


Also, this is a happy day - I have a second follower on the blog! Welcome, Sonia! I enjoyed your “The People In My Head” posts - my Muse has never manifested herself in person, animal or otherwise, but she sure is a blabbermouth extraordinaire. Ms. Inner Critic (mine's a gal, too) frequently capitulates before her dictations and goes to sip caipirinhas on a beach in the Caribbean somewhere while Ms. Muse is on a rampage. Then they switch - they prefer to haunt me one at a time, so that they don't have to fight it out and are nice and rested when they return to me.

Bea, my first ever blog-follower, recently posted a review on Bea's Book Nook, based on which I'm now ordering The Thieves Of Darkness by Richard Doetsch for myself. That was an intriguing review, Bea, thanks for pushing me towards new books I would otherwise never read. 

Other books I'm excited about receiving with my next Amazon book batch are Warrior Wisewoman 3, an annual anthology series of science fiction featuring powerful and remarkable women, as well as Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen. I watched the trailer for the latter the other day and now can't wait to see both the movie and read the book (in that order, then the movie can't be a letdown). The fact that Robert Pattinson's character is called Jacob had me chortling... 


Saturday, February 12, 2011

It's Wild - A Short Story

Here's another short story I wrote for the Wilderness Challenge at Hurog, Patricia Briggs' board.


It's Wild
by Pia Newman


Based on true events.


   We were up and waiting by the gate before the crack of dawn. The rangers said the most interesting things to see, like leopards and wild dogs, were at dawn and dusk. Since the camp gates were closed for protection during the night, we wanted to get the earliest start possible at the break of dawn.
   I was sitting at the steering wheel of the rented car, a black Nissan Tida. I would have preferred a Jeep like the Rangers had; that would’ve been something else, for city boys like us. But we couldn’t afford the extra cost. 
   We could also have gone in a Jeep with a Ranger, but we didn’t want a Ranger along. We didn’t need a baby sitter.
   Ranger Ryan came up to us and leaned against the door on my side.
   “You’re really eager to head out, aren’t you?” he asked. “Just a few more minutes, now. Where are you headed?”
   “We thought we’d try the waterhole to the west,” I told him. “Your colleague told us it’s possible we’ll see a leopard there, apparently there’s one that likes to water there. Have you seen it?”
   “Yes,” Ranger Ryan said. “There’s a little spring which feeds the waterhole, and that leopard likes to drink directly from the fresh water.”
   “Sounds perfect,” Scott said from the passenger seat beside me, his video camera on his lap ready and waiting. Jared, in the back, also had his digital camera poised for action, with his biggest object lens hooked up to it. Ranger Ryan saw the cameras, of course. He also caught the hunger for adventure in our eyes.
   “Just remember: stay on the roads, don’t get out of the vehicle, keep the windows rolled up,” he admonished us again. He’d told us the same three days ago; everybody going on safari in Kruger Park was notified of the basic rules.
   “We know the rules,” I said, rather impatiently. “How much longer?”
   “Until we see a gray haze above the gates,” the ranger said. Both the gates and the wall encasing the camp were made of high wooden poles bound tightly together. The poles were sharpened at the top, making them look like a row of pencils.
   To our relief, the gray haze soon appeared; the ranger opened the gates, and I put my foot on the gas and drove into the early morning wilderness.
  We headed straight for the waterhole, following the dirt track that would get us there fastest. When we were almost there, a herd of impalas crossed the path before us in a rush of leaping bodies and slender legs. It was still too dark for filming or taking pictures without a tripod, so we just sat back and enjoyed the spectacle.
   “They’re probably just done drinking,” Jared mused. “They’re coming from the waterhole.”
   “Maybe the leopard spooked them,” Scott said. “They were in quite a hurry.”
   We carried on, our anticipation heightened by this possibility. We couldn’t wait to lay eyes on a leopard. We’d already seen several lionesses with their cubs, as well as male lions with their shaggy manes. And yesterday we’d watched a pair of cheetahs prowling around a herd of wildebeest not too far from the road.
   We’d also seen zebras, giraffes, and an elephant; snakes, warthogs and hyenas; hippos, crocodiles and even a rhino. All that was missing was that leopard.
   We’d been told that there was a spot along the road, on a ridge above the waterhole, where we could park the car and see the whole thing without getting out. When we finally reached it, we could indeed see the waterhole – but it was larger than we’d expected, and the herd of elephants on the other side looked small even through our binoculars. Also, the spring where the leopard liked to drink was mostly hidden behind shrubbery.
   “The ground’s dry,” Jared said. “The car won’t get stuck.” He pointed to our right, down the ridge. “If we drive down towards the waterhole there, we can see the spring better.”
   “If we get too close, we might spook him,” Scott said.
   “Well, even if we do, we’re not going to see him from here,” Jared scoffed. “Just drive down there, Dan,” Jared repeated, pointing again.
   I drove. The poor Tida bucked over the uneven ground like a bronco, but as Jared had said, the dirt was too hard for it to get stuck. We soon reached the spot Jared had pointed out. By now there was enough light to take pictures and film; both Jared and Scott had their cameras at the ready. I stopped the car, facing the waterhole.
   Jared and I searched the banks through our binoculars while Scott looked through the view finder of his camera, ready to squeeze the button should the leopard come in sight. I saw several birds, and another group of impalas, but apart from them and the herd of elephants nothing else moved.
   As yesterday with the cheetahs, we were really patient. The sun rose fully, beating down on us from a clear blue sky. We opened the windows to let in fresh air – there was nothing dangerous here anyway. Well, except for the mosquitoes that swarmed in like a hungry cloud. We were soon itching and sweating all over, despite bug-repellent and open windows, and I wished for nothing more than a shower. Twice Scott washed his hands with the liquid soap we’d brought, because he didn’t want to touch his video camera with sweaty hands; he was a stickler when it came to that camera.
   There were no other people close by. We were alone in this wilderness that stretched out around us with its brightly glaring light and animal sounds on the air. We watched and listened to it, but it cared none for our presence. We might as well have been invisible. This country was magnificent, majestic. It was also harsh. And lonely.
   After over an hour of waiting and straining our eyes we finally gave up. I was disappointed, Scott was tired and Jared was plain pissed. The herd of elephants was still there by the water and had in fact gotten considerably closer, but like everything else, they ignored us.
   “Let’s get out of here,” Jared snarled.
   “Maybe he’ll be here tomorrow,” I said.
   Scott yawned widely.
   “I’m not sitting around here for another two hours again!” Jared said, crossing his arms in front of him.
   “We’ll ask around the camp tonight, maybe he was spotted somewhere else,” I suggested.
   “Yeah, sure. Whatever,” Jared said. I decided to let it lie. There was no point in talking to him when he was in one of his moods.
   “Would you just get going,” he snapped at me when I didn’t reply. That proved too much for my own temper, though. I turned around to him and said in not very nice tones: “We’re all disappointed! No need to talk to us like that!”
   “I can talk to you however I want!” he growled, leaning towards me.
   “Oh, shut up,” I snarled back, and would have gone on to say more, if Scott hadn’t interrupted us with a shout.
   “Guys, stop, take a look at this!”
   There was something in his voice that made us both look at him, even though we were really ready to tear each other apart at that moment. He sounded excited, but at the same time afraid. He was looking out of the windshield, and pointing directly ahead of us.
   We looked forward to where he pointed – and I almost scrambled into the back seat in sudden shock. Standing right in front of the car, one thick sturdy leg only inches away from the hood, was an elephant!
   It towered above us like a wall; a gray wall with huge ears, a trunk, and long white tusks that marked it as a bull. Those tusks hovered above the hood, close to the windshield, and the trunk was nosing its way over the front of the car.
   “Holy cow,” Jared whispered from the back; our argument was forgotten. He picked up his video camera again and started filming. Scott already had his Canon at the ready and was taking one picture after another.
   I could do nothing but stare in awe, as the trunk moved on, touching, testing, tasting. It was amazingly flexible, that trunk, the skin at its tip very smooth and light compared to the darker, tougher hide on the rest of it.
   The great elephant bull flapped his ears several times, blocking the sun. We could smell him through the open windows, a scent of mud and dried dung, very pungent but not completely unpleasant. He was also not exactly quiet; every now and again he let bursts of air escape through his nostrils.
   I was so enthralled by this display of massive muscle and delicate touch that I didn’t hear the car door open behind me. Only when he appeared next to my window did I realize that Jared had gotten out of the car. He was slowly walking up to the elephant, his video camera in front of his face, filming the animal as it examined our vehicle.
   The bull saw him at the same time I did. I saw its small eyes shift to my friend standing before him.
   “Oh my God,” Scott whispered, and cowered down in his seat. For once his camera was forgotten, and his eyes darted back and forth between Jared and the elephant which was now lifting its trunk off the hood and swinging it towards Jared.
   “Jared,” I hissed. “Get back in the car! Now!”
   He turned the camera down to me for a brief moment. “If we can’t see the leopard, we can at least get this on film properly,” he said, and winked. Then he trained the camera on the bull again and stepped even closer.
   The great grey ears which had so far been lazily flapping back and forth, suddenly flared out beside the great head. The trunk now hung down, dangerously tranquil.
   Jared, the fool, took another step closer.
   All hell broke loose. The bull lifted its trunk again and let out a ringing trumpet call. It began tossing its head from side to side, the enormous tusks swiping through the air. Jared finally realized that this was not good, and took several large steps back. But he was too slow. Even as he scrambled for the car door, the bull began to move, coming around the car and right for him with amazing swiftness for so large an animal. The trunk was still raised, but coming down, the tusks likewise reaching for Jared.
   I grabbed the first thing I got my hands on, which was Scott’s present for his girlfriend. It was a leather pouch filled with artfully decorated coins made out of animal bones by some indigenous tribe. At least that’s what the black guy who’d sold it to Scott in Johannesburg had said. Right now it was just the right size for me to use to throw at the elephant and maybe turn its attention away from Jared.
   I hurled the pouch out of the open window, and it landed with a satisfying ‘thwack’ on the bull’s shoulder.
   It seemed to work. The bull slowed his charge, swinging his trunk to the spot on his hide where the pouch had hit. Jared wasted no time while the elephant was distracted; he scrambled around the car and ducked down behind it, out of the elephant’s sight. For a moment, it seemed as if the bull would calm down. He just stood there, at the front corner, the ears still flared, but the trunk swinging loosely and its eyes no longer on us.
   I was about to let out a shaky breath, when the huge head suddenly lifted and then came down with the speed of a charging shark. The tusks smashed down on the roof of the car right above me with a great crash and screech of metal, long cracks suddenly running through the windshield. Scott beside me screamed like a girl in a bad horror movie, and I about lost control over my bladder. The tusks came down again with another colossal crash.
   “Drive!” Scott yelled at me. But we couldn’t just drive off – Jared was outside somewhere!
   Instead, I leaned on the horn. The monotonous tone rang out loud and clear, filling my ears like a screeching banshee. The bull cared as little for it as I did; instead of running off though, as I’d hoped, he just got more mad.
   Another trumpet call burst from his trunk, and then that same flexible limb suddenly snaked its way in through the open window, grazing my face! It got hold of the steering wheel and yanked.
   The whole car lurched, and this time I screamed right along with Scott. I was still able to form words, though. Well, one word.
   “Out,” I yelled at Scott. “Out out out!” When he didn’t move, I reached over him and pulled the latch, then pushed against the door which swung open. I pushed Scott right after it, and he tumbled out with a dazed expression on his face.
   The trunk grazed my arm again, and I dived out after Scott, landing on top of him. Jared was suddenly there, grabbing our arms, hauling us to our feet, and then we sprinted away, to a clump of bushes fifty feet away behind which we collapsed. Jared at once scrambled round and trained his camera on the car again, which the bull apparently thought the worse enemy. We watched in horror, awe and shock as he slid his whole trunk inside the car, and then completely lifted its front end off the ground! When the bull pulled back, the car came down with a crash and a groan, the windshield shattering and the axis cracking. 
   By this time, the other elephants of the herd were crowding closer, curious, though they still kept a few feet distance. The bull trumpeted again, and banged his tusks against the car twice more. When it didn’t make any more noise, and didn’t move, he probably assumed it was dead. He turned from it and then strolled away, ears flapping lazily again. Within a few minutes, he had rounded up his herd and they were padding away at an unhurried pace. None of them looked back.
  
   The car was totaled, and Scott had a few scratches on his arm, and bruises on his side. Apart from that and our wounded pride, we were okay. We’d been very lucky.
   The whole incident left us with a video that became widely popular on youtube, and with a few lessons learned, which we never forgot.
   The first lesson was: Listen to those who know what they’re talking about.
   The second was: Don’t mess with what you meet in the wilderness – it’s wild!